It has been a while since posts but I have realised that writing is like that constant and true friend that no matter how long since your last conversation with them, you can pick straight up from where you left off and it was like it always was – uplifting and positive.
Back to the blog post now. I have been fermenting something in my mind of late. It was there, just lurking around the edges of my conscious thoughts, but still slightly out of reach, probably muddied by the confusion generally surrounding my “head space” of late due to stress. Today, like the sun shining through a previously cloudy and murky sky, it finally broke through! It was the realisation that tend to cling on to the negatives so easily, we crowd out any possible space for what we really need – the genuine “positives” in life. The things we all have, be they our health, our friends, our families, our homes or anything that is of honest and intrinsic value, generally divorced from a materialistic association.
Most of us do it unconsciously and would be horrified if we realised what we were really doing. We let hate, anger, grief, loss or a multitude of other unhealthy experiences or emotions “stick” to us, they were generally unavoidable when they happened to us but they made such an impact on us, we reacted to them so intensely, they became almost a part of us. We often think we have moved on, we congratulate ourselves for having coped with a really “bad” life event, we have our near and dear ones pat our back, telling us we are through the worst and that we should be proud of what we have overcome. Yes, we should be proud I suppose, as any step towards truly letting go of that which locks your genuine potential and thwarts your progress in life’s inexorable but exciting journey, should be celebrated and applauded.
However, have we really “let go” in the real sense? We may think we have, but how many times do we still re-visit those bad memories and even worse, do we actually let those hurtful past memories and experiences affect not just the present, but also pollute the future? It is like slow poison, it lingers in the veins and insidiously exerts its malignant effect on not just us, but those around us who care for and love us. I am not professing it is easy especially as we may often not even realise that something we believed long dead and buried still haunts us. Like with anything that is more introspective than solely reactive, we can only address it by being conscious that when we feel negative or react in an unreasonable manner to something that does not really justify such response, there may be an explanation for that connected to some previous event or experience. Your brain and heart may fight against this self-realisation, after all, acknowledging something often opens the floodgates to those hurtful traumas most of us work very hard to lock away as soon as we can. Only once you get past that natural “flight” mode (in a psychological rather than physical sense of course), can you start to constructively address what it is that truly plagues you.
Memories can often be like those niggling burrs, embedded somewhere in the recesses of your psyche, not constantly painful and thus requiring immediate removal, but just there; they flare into inflamed and “infected” state when prodded. The stimulus for this can be anything, it can be a current occurrence that just reminds us through often very indirect association of the often consciously forgotten past incident(s). The difficulty is with understanding this and then dissociating the past experience to whatever is happening currently so that in a truly clichéd sense “the past does not damage the present and future”. There is no universal method of doing this of course, different methods will work on different individuals, the “how” is not the main consideration, it is the eventual result of making this effort and successfully overcoming any crippling effects from the previous negative or traumatic experience.
However, if done properly, the effects are like amputating that rotten limb, you may feel like you have lost something, but if you had kept it, it was only going to keep spreading its poison until it destroyed the rest of you that was not gangrenous in the first place. Therefore, to constructively live a life and attain a future that is divorced from unhealthy association and unhampered by negativity going forward, reflect, analyse and honestly address what memories and feelings you want to take forward with you, and which ones you are best leaving behind. You cannot wish away anything that happened to you, after all, every experience in your life, good or bad, shapes who you are and dictates your strength and character (again for the better or worse) but once you start exercising conscious choice, you can dictate what shape your present and future can take.
To remind me of this, I think about the wonderfully inspiring and indomitably spirited Helen Keller, who so beautifully encapsulated this theory:
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. “
True in every sense and very nicely put.
A good way to truly dissociate with past memories is to forgive: everyone involved, yourself and the circumstance itself. I think we should stop seeing our past traumatic experiences as traumatic or ourselves as a victim. If this had happened to someone else, it would not have hurt us as much as when it happened to us: so the affect on us is not exerted by the incident as much but by the fact that we cannot dissociate ourselves from it. And most importantly, stay thankful to God, that it’s past not present. That U survived.. Gratitude is very positive feeling which gives birth to instant happiness..
ThankU for these contemplative posts!
I can always rely on you to not just understand what I was trying to put across but also really make a genuinely helpful contribution to the discussion. I could not agree more with the “practical” tips to disocciate, yes being thankful for what you have rather than just focussing on what you don’t or are missing is a big part of it. Forgiveness does nail it, as only by forgiving, do you cleanse yourself of past bitterness and then in the real sense “move on”! Thanks as ever Tulika:)
Very useful post again…And totally agree with T, the best way is to trust god and know that whatever happens is for your own good to let you learn and make you a stronger person. Believing in god is all we need to live, learn and let go.
Thank you for this post !
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Firstly, i apologise for commenting so late. Now finally, i got some free time and i read all the posts of your blog.
What a fool i was that i dint discover your blog earlier! Your writing is (for the lack of better words) just Awesome-est!!! 🙂
I, myself, am a Closet writer. And i look upto writers like you and Tulika Di.
Your writing style is just flawless. I’m bowled over by the kind of maturity you portray (or rather express) through writing.
The poem which you wrote for your brother was beautiful. IMO, poetry is the toughest part of writing. But you nailed it BANG ON!
Regarding this post, i started reading the 1st 2 paragraphs and i could completely relate with you! And this is the first time that i whole heartedly agree with anyone’s writing.
3rd para onwards, as i kept reading, all my past experience were refreshed. Yesterday was my Dad’s 5th Death Anniversary. His death is the worst thing that happened to Mom & me. But what was (is) worst is the aftermath! All our relatives said this was the worst thing that happened, but now good days will come, you should just move and stuff like that! But sadly none of all that happened. But with time, what i learned is to keep mind busy and occupied in something or the other thing! And i ”try” to do that. There is absolutely no point in ranting and cribbing about the sadness and negetivity, in general.
Time heals everything, almost everything, but scars remain! Now i take things in my stride.
In the second last para, you stated that every experience (good or bad) make you who are! Today when i look back at myself over the last 5 yrs, i feel good in some way. Not that Dad’s death was good (God forbid this should never happen to anyone), but it made me what i am today. Otherwise i would have been just another insensitive, carefree teenager. But now i am a responsible & (to some extent) mature 20 yr old boy.
Thats it. I stop now! Otherwise i will just go on and on and on. 😉
Keep writing and keep inspiring! God Bless You. You have a new fan now! 🙂
I am so sorry for the late response, it has been a difficult time. I am actually really touched reading your comment, it is always special when you get to share someone’s experience, good or bad, in this way and then realise how many brave people there are in this world. I am so glad you liked the blog, that means a lot. I am so impressed at your positive attitude despite the clear odds you have faced in such a young age. You are right, your tremendous loss has shaped you, but if your father were here (and I like to think even though he is not psycially with you, his memory and spirit always lives on:)), he would be proud of the person his son has become, so you have everything to feel positive and optimistic about. Always wishing you the very best and praying for you to find “soul deep” happiness in everything you do:)
Thank you so much Shruti Di for those kind words! Looking forward to new posts on the blog 🙂